#6

Hello, my name is Jayne and I have anxiety. I know I've talked about this before but I want to talk about it a little bit more today.

Anxiety isn't just being stressed out all the time. It's a disease. You can't focus on the positive because your mind is constantly reeling through all the bad things that could maybe might happen.

I work at 2:00.
What if I don't actually work at 2:00 tomorrow? I need to check my calendar.
What if I put it in my calendar wrong?! Let me check the schedule.
Okay. It's right. I work at 2:00.
BUT WHAT IF I READ THE SCHEDULE WRONG?
I didn't. I don't need to look. I'm not stupid. It's 2:00.
I checked again. I work at 2:00.
I should go to sleep so I can be well rested for opening day.
Oh my god. I've been in bed 15 minutes and I'm not even tired.
What if I can't sleep at all?! What if that makes me groggy and I mess up?!
"Matt. I can't sleep. I'm nervous for tomorrow." "Jayne, you will be fine.."
...8 hours of restless nightmare filled semi sleep later..
I should get ready for the day! I'm so excited we are FINALLY OPENING.
Oh my God. That's a lot of pressure. I can't mess up today.
If I shower now and do my makeup now - I'll look sloppy by 2:00.
2:00? I work at 2:00... right?
Checks calendar AND schedule. Yes. I work at 2:00.
Ok. I'm going to relax and do some product knowledge until I need to get ready.
There's so much to remember. WHAT IF I FORGET SOMETHING?
I'll get fired. I know I will. I won't be able to remember all this and I will get fired.
What if I miss the bus and I'm late for work?
I should get ready now. I need to leave early because I can't be late.
Late is bad. I hate late people. If I'm late I will look bad.
What if I look bad? What if none of the people at work like me?
What if none of the customers like me?
I am going to suck at this. I am going to get fired.
Especially if I am late for my shift at 2:00.
It is at 2:00 right? Yes. It's at 2:00.
It hasn't changed.

This hasn't changed.


This is a very, very small excerpt of what life is like when you struggle with an anxiety disorder. And that's just the worries of ONE 12 hour span regarding ONE aspect of my life - but you aren't just anxious about work. You're anxious about your relationships, you're health, you're family, and basically everything else that could ever matter to you. A crushing, pinning feeling that no matter what you do EVERYTHING can and will go wrong.

It doesn't. Well, sometimes it does. Sometimes things worse than your worst possible scenario happen. I'm also going through this period where I quit an awesome full time job that paid very well to work somewhere that was going to pay much less but I thought would be a labour of love. Except that didn't work out. And now I'm lost. How am I going to pay rent this month when I've less than $100 in the bank and almost no income coming? What about Christmas? How will I buy presents for the people I love? What will Matt's friends and family think when they hear I've quit managing a Jugo to work at a dance wear store that didn't work out and now I'm working less than 12 hours a week? He's pretty successful and I'm just.. not.

In some ways it's good - I have an open schedule which means more time for Lush. I adore working at Lush. It's lovely people, lovely products, and lovely beliefs. I think I would like a career there even! It's the happiest I've ever been at a job - don't let my anxiety excerpt fool you. But it's not going to pay my bills and I'm not one of the fortunate people who never truly have to worry about those things. If I can't pay my bills it's a big deal. There's no one I can call up who will bail me out. People always say to pursue your passion and no one ever tells you that it's only a viable option if you have a way to support yourself while pursuing it.

Anyway, I'm sorry because this had nothing to do with cosmetics. It was basically my rant about how awful my life is. And it's not awful. I have this amazing boyfriend who supports me no matter what. He even supports me when my anxiety makes me ask every 5 minutes "Am I bothering you?" And whether or not I'm going to make my December rent I DO have an awesome job. If you don't know much about Lush you should really check it out! They have incredible ethics.

<3